The Huron County Extract with great humility presents the first Presidential Election Cornpone Award to Joe Biden.
The Cornpone Award is given to the politician who most exemplifies the rhetorical standards of the greatest fighting military strategist the Confederacy ever knew, Jubiliation T. Cornpone. The awardee must demonstrate the highest standards of political oratory, including dramatic pauses that go just a little too long, the capacity to tear-up at appropriate points in the speech, and no notion of when enough is enough.
It was hard for the judges at Huron County Extract to choose between Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. Clinton 's use of the crooked finger almost put him over the top in the voting, as did the excessive length of his speech. But other judges pointed out that Clinton used the crooked finger repeatedly in claiming he hadn't had sex with Monica Lewinsky, and so, as a rhetorical gesture, it was becoming threadbare. In addition, to get the Cornpone Award, a speech has to have an old-timey quality reminiscent of ward heeling and Tammany Hall. Clinton's speech was too wonkish to meet that standard, as it actually came close to addressing policy issues. The Extract is proud to give this year's award to Joe Biden.
Republicans were just not in the running for this one.